Mega Millions has become the new March Madness. Everywhere on radio, tv, internet and newspapers is talk about how big the jackpot is now, or how the odds of winning it are as tiny as the odds of meeting a sweet, cute Country Boy while riding a mechanical bull for the first time…uh…as small as the odds of breaking your nose on the back leg of a mule that is NOT the one you’re riding…um…as remote as having the first stranger you’ve ever asked “when are you due?” tell you she ISN’T pregnant…darn, you know what I mean.
Which means it could be me.
That had me daydreaming while out walking Riley. What would I do with that much money?
First, you have to know that a significant portion would go to those charities and organizations that are doing great things for the poor, sick, and those hurting from life’s circumstances. That’s a given. Plus, I’d make sure that our closest loved ones would have houses paid off, education loans wiped out, and nest eggs replenished from whatever events may have drained them. Still, after those important things are done, here’s what I think I’d do with the remainder of the cash:
Donate enough money to the Vatican to have a wing renamed for my parents. They’re the closest things to saints that I know (and given the superior connection to the Big Guy they must have based on Dad’s miraculous recovery, they’re ranking up there with Benedict) so it’s a natural honor.
Get the Country Boy all of the dirt digging and farm making toys he needs. I am tired of the small tractor that needs to have wires twisted together and the batter jumped every time we want to use it. It doesn’t have to be the Ferrari of tractors, but one that starts when you turn the key would be great.
Hire a Gluten Free Chef for Zoe. I try to make good gluten-free things for her, but sometimes I feel like it comes out tasting like cardboard. Who wants to eat that?
Create a scientific contest for the development of a cure for Celiac Disease. Why should any other Gluten Free kid have to eat cardboard tasting food? Let’s figure this thing out.
Give Madeline a whole library of books. That kid reads non-stop. Having her never have to ask when we can pop by the library (which she’d like to do nearly every other day) would be helpful.
Buy (or develop, if need be) an automatic pooper scooper. I changed diapers for 5ish years, I am ready to remove myself from the up-close contact with stinky stuff.
Hire a professional gardener to teach me how to not kill every good plant I touch. I apparently have the very rare “reverse thumb.” Never heard of it? It is when one has a Round-Up thumb when it comes to desirable plants, flowers and vegetables – killing them nearly instantly – and a Miracle Grow Thumb when it comes to weeds. Our flower beds were so crazily overgrown last year that I worried the girls might get caught up in the vines.
Purchase the world’s best happy hunting ground. I want the Country Boy to have a place where he can get his trophy deer/elk/turkey/bear/moose/boar/whatever-the-heck-he’s-hunting-this-weekend on the opening weekend of each season so I don’t lose him to the woods all of the time.
And, finally, hire a Mule Boy to take care of the mules. Wait, I have a mule boy in my Country Boy. Scratch that…I use the money I saved to get an automatic dog dryer for when Riley jumps into the pond.
One things for sure, I won’t hire a ghostwriter for this. You all are stuck with me for the long haul. But maybe I can convince the Country Boy to buy another farm on the outskirts of Paris…