I have a fever and it won’t go away for another week.
I am truly a sucker for everything Olympic. I cry when they show those little bio stories about the athletes. I stay up way too late watching events that I already know what the results will be. My DVR is nearly full from recording the gymnastics competition so that the girls could watch it. I feel like I have swimmers ear from all of the swimming coverage I have taken in this past week.
And just like every time I have succumbed to Olympics fever (going all the way back to Nadia), I get the idea that next time I, myself, will be an Olympian.
“Rio, here I come!” (When I announced that, there was a collective eye roll from everyone in the house – including the dog.)
Now, there are some slight problems with this plan. First, I am not a spring chicken any more. So, that eliminates some of the sports that older athletes just don’t seem to have a chance versus the younger one. I’m thinking that you don’t see too many (any?) gymnasts over 30 – and I’m being generous by saying 30 instead of 20.
I also have to eliminate any sports that call for physical characteristics that I just don’t possess – I’m just too short for basketball and swimming. That may be true for rowing and volleyball as well. My running speed gets me from here to there, but compared to the runners I’ve seen so far, my pace would span two heats on the 100 yard dash. Not sure they’d allow that.
Then I have to eliminate those sports that there is just too big of a pool of competitors for me to make a huge run. Thanks to the Hunger Games, there will be a bazillion female archers in the world by the time Rio hosts. Sorry, Country Boy, I am going to have to find something else to compete in.
I do enjoy the obscure sports that get their glory every four years – the shooting competition, badminton (a viable choice until the taint of this year’s tournament made me question if they’d keep it as a sport in Rio. How horrible would that be – train four years and then they kick the sport out! Don’t want to take that chance.), table tennis, white water kayaking, Jarts.
OK, Jarts isn’t really an Olympic sport, but after seeing the badminton competition, I’m thinking that Jarts should be given a chance.
As I have searched for my perfect sport to take up with full force, time, and energy, it dawned on me that I really don’t have a whole lot of force, time and energy left after I get through the day doing the other things that need to get done. Plus, given that there are several other people in the girls lives that are already in training for highly demanding physical challenges, adding another adult putting personal challenges ahead (? maybe not ahead of, but at minimum equal to) the girls didn’t seem to fair to them. So, I rescinded my announcement of my Rio destiny.
That’s when the idea came up that there should be a new Olympics – the Mom Olympics – to allow for all of us Moms in the world to bask in the glory of the skills we possess and that keep our families running so smoothly. The girls were excited with the idea that I would be in training for Top Mom. We’ve already come up with several events:
1. Lunch making dash – how many lunches can you make in 90 seconds? ( Frankly, my Mother – remember, she had 9 kids! – has this gold in the…ready for this pun…bag.)
2. 200m Grocery Store medley – composed of running through the store searching for specific items, stops at the deli and meat counters, and having children in the cart as well as a stretch with toddlers outside the cart.
3. Laundry folding – challenges include hoodies and fitted bed sheets.
4. Purse dash – finding obscure objects fastest within your purse: Safety pins, pen, tissues, quarter, paper clip, sewing kit are just some of the things that could be asked for in the race.
5. Children dressing – get kids at a variety of ages dressed fastest. Early rounds include diaper changes. When the competition really heats up, Moms will need to get kids ages 5 and up into clothes chosen by the children that actually color coordinate.
6. Dinner shuffle – four course meal. Obscure, hodgepodge items in the fridge. Picky eaters. Judged by how much food is left over after kids eat and by amount of whining/bribing done.
7. Bedtime routine – Race to see how fast can you get two kids to complete bedtime routine, including tooth brushing, and into bed with lights out. Penalties for kids getting out of bed once door is closed, trips to bathroom for water or potty, and bouncing on bed when Mom turns her back.
8. Vacuum push – dog hair added as additional challenge in medal rounds.
9. One of the toughest events is the Keep Your Cool event – competitors must remain calm during all sorts of things happening around them – kids whining, fighting, dog getting into trouble, phone ringing, etc. Medal rounds would include wildcard issues like major flood in basement, spiders dropping down near face, cat bringing “presents” to door, and mules escaping. (Honestly, I am not sure I’d make it out of qualifying rounds.)
10. Finally, there would be the All-Around competition, much like the gymnastics all-around, where competitors would need to excel in all levels of Mom skills.
As you can see, I think that there is great potential for the Mom Olympics as an international event. Moms around the world can relate to the challenges of kid care and can work their training into their already hectic life. Plus, they’ll finally have a chance to be recognized for their efforts that they put into keeping their families going. It’s a feel-good, made-for-TV event that our world needs right now. I can see the tears flowing as Moms cross the finish line and stand on the podium in all Olympic glory. Others watching the competition can dream of one day reaching this pinnacle of Mom-ness and their families will welcome their dedication to the challenge….I could go for the gold and actually have a shot without having to seek a second citizenship from Albania to even make it to the games.
My training is going to start right now. That darn dog is shedding more hair with every shake of his backside than I have on my head. I’m going to be a gold medal favorite for the vacuum push, that’s for sure.